Ask the Parent Coach: Why doesn’t my child have friends? What can I do?

Question: My child seems to have trouble making and keeping friends, plus she never wants to go out when I suggest making plans with classmates. What should I do

Answer: I hear this so much from parents these days. It can be painful to see our kids alone, and hard to understand why this is the case when they aren’t forthcoming in their explanations to us. And still I wonder: how much of our anxiety comes from our own uncomfortable experiences from childhood and adolescence?

The slights and snubs we endure as kids leave their marks, and it’s important that we keep an eye on what is our own personal pain and what, if any, pain belongs to our child. To that end, it’s important to identify our own social struggles from when we were younger people. If you find yourself thinking pink-flag (not quite red) thoughts like, “my child reminds me so much of myself,” or “my child is nothing like I was,” then it’s worth talking through your own memories with a trusted adult friend or therapist so you can process your own emotions around childhood friendships. Then you’ll be able to see your own child with much clearer eyes.

There are good studies, often cited by Lisa Damour (whose books and podcast I recommend), which show that “some of the happiest kids have only one or two good friends.” I’ve seen similar stats for adults. This makes intuitive sense to me – with fewer friendships, we invest more deeply and reap the benefits of being truly known and seen by another human, and reciprocating that knowing and seeing for the other person as well.

In light of that, the first question to ask yourself is, “Does my child have one or two good friends?” If yes, then ask “Do they spend several hours a week in live, active play with this friend, not just texting or gaming?” If yes, then you’re probably in good shape.

If, however, you answered “no” to the second question and/or you want your child to engage in more active play with their good friends, then I suggest engineering an extra hangout or two per month outside the house so there isn’t the tech temptation, and they can form happy memories and strengthen bonds. Maybe they love the aquarium, walking into town, lazing around with Starbucks or seeing horror movies. Give your child a choice: “On Saturday after soccer, let’s make a plan with Janey. Would you rather see a movie with popcorn, or go to the mall and get Starbucks? My treat.” Offering to foot the bill and do the driving often takes the pressure off the child to figure out the whole plan. Then offer to finalize the arrangements with the other parent.

If your child declines your offer, keep offering, maybe once a week. Try not to get too personally invested. If we force our children to do things, they only resent it and us.

Also, hang out with your own friends! Lead by example, and help keep your own emotions about your child’s friendships in check by cultivating your own close relationships.

If, however, your child truly has no friends, or had one good friend they’ve grown apart from, or has gone more than a few months friendless, I’d get in touch with the school counselor and look for more information. You don’t have to tell your child about this, and you can ask the counselor to keep your conversation confidential as well. Ask if the counselor or the teacher have noticed any behaviors that might be contributing to your child’s social situation. Try to listen without offering feedback, and be open to what’s being shared with you. Then ask if the counselor has any advice that would be specific to your child.

It’s brave to go to a school professional and admit you need help, and it’s often essential. Counselors might direct you to any number of resources from a therapist for your child, or to a social skills course like the ones offered by Child Therapy in Boston (childtherapyinboston.com/).

Small side note: If your child frets about always being the one to initiate plans and feels that no one ever invites them out, first validate how hard that must feel. This is especially important in these wretched days of seeing friends on social media. Then ask your child if they are willing to hear your perspective on the matter. If they say no, then save your input for another time. But if they say yes, perhaps offer something along the lines of, “I’ve noticed that in life there are people who make plans, and people who follow plans. I admire you for being a person who makes plans. I think it’s a trait many leaders have.”

As always, parents: Keep your talks SHORT! Kids of all ages tune out fast. You’ve got a two-minute window to deliver your message. Lead with love.

And remember: There is no such thing as a perfect parent.