Ask the Parent Coach: Validating feelings to get kids to do what they need to do

Question My 11-year-old argues with me all the time. It doesn’t matter what it’s about—more screentime, brushing teeth, going to school, whether he can go to a friend’s house or come with us to church. He treats everything as a negotiation, and I feel like I always wind up caving just to get him to stop. What am I doing wrong?

Answer You have a future lawyer of America? Congratulations!

Seriously, though, I can’t help thinking that a tenacious streak like this is a net positive for children. They know their own minds, and they aren’t afraid to go after what they want. Even though you have a boy, what was once called stubbornness that I’d prefer to call grit is an especially valuable trait not to quash in our girls so that they don’t fall prey to “nice.”

Still, kids don’t run the show, and they do need to brush their teeth and do their homework. The question becomes how to convince them to do what they need to do, and then hold firm to the agreement you’ve made.

Notice I’ve said agreement you made together with your child rather than the rule you’ve set as the parent. That’s because everyone—children and adults alike—are more likely to abide by expectations they have participated in setting. What I’m about to describe works best for kids 8 and up. If you have a younger child, I have some modified advice toward the end.

Before you sit down with your tenacious child, make a list of his most argued subjects, and put them into categories, like hygiene, education, and family time. Then decide which one is most important to you, and find a low-stakes time to talk to your child about it. If your priority is getting them to school on time (or at all) maybe talk about education on a Saturday afternoon with ice cream cones.

Tell your child you’re interested in their perspective on this topic. “I’m curious what you think about education … Why is math your favorite subject?” Ask open-ended questions, and nothing with a yes/no answer. Show interest, and don’t argue. Write down some answers. Then ask if you can explain some of your thoughts on this subject. Be brief, and laser-focused on what you value.

Then ask a zinger: How do you think education fits into your dream of becoming a pro hockey player/doctor/pilot?

Wait for an answer.

Keep waiting.

Eventually he is going to start talking about ways that education will play an important role in that goal. If he doesn’t think middle school social studies is germane to pro hockey, go ahead and explain how education overall will help him get into a D1 school, or make him into the kind of athlete who makes even more money with podcasts and endorsements. Have some examples handy.

Then ask: So how are we going to help you meet this goal?

Brainstorm together. List everything he answers. Offer some ideas of your own.

This conversation will inevitably produce exactly what you need, which is your son seeing why he has to do the thing he doesn’t want to do.

Put this brainstorm on the fridge, and the next time he starts to argue about getting ready for school, calmly gesture toward this piece of paper and gently remind him of his goal. Give yourself an internal pat on the back when he stomps off in a huff to do what you’ve asked.

Wait a while before you tackle the next item on your list, then go through the same process.

What about if he argues with you anyway, or says “that conversation was a trap,” or “I didn’t mean any of that,” or “You made me.”

This is when you get out the parenting superpower of validation, which also works with kids under the age of 8.

Hear this loud and clear: Validation is NOT agreement. Validating your child’s frustration and anger doesn’t mean you think he’s right. It only means you see why he’s angry or frustrated. Validation looks like this: “I know, it’s painful to get up this early for school.” “The cookies are so good, and you want another one!” “It makes perfect sense that you feel like church is boring, and you’d rather skateboard with your friends.” You can even say, “I admire your dedication here.”

Validation is more than just words. It requires a genuinely empathetic tone. Even the littlest kids have fine-tuned BS-detectors, so make sure that what you’re saying feels true and you can say it with warmth and not sarcasm.

Once you’ve validated their negative feelings with all your heart, firmly remind them of your agreement—or in the case of a small child, just set the boundary (“And the cookie store is closed for now.”). Then remind yourself that not only are you helping your child do what he’s already said is right for him, you’re modeling true grit and tenaciousness by standing firm even when it’s hard.