Ask the Parent Coach: Grandma wants a hug, but my child says no. What do I do?

Question: My daughter does not like to greet her grandparents in a friendly way when they come to visit. They come from such a long way, and all they want is a hug and kiss from their granddaughter, but she either hides behind me or runs away. There was quite a showdown about this in the summer that I’d like to avoid on Thanksgiving. What do I do?

Answer: Ah, the holidays. Delicious foods we only eat once or twice a year, expressions of gratitude, cheerful music, twinkling lights, enjoying the company of friends and family we might only see once in a precious while. Visiting relatives asking for kisses and hugs from children who do not want to give them.

Before we get to Thanksgiving, and so you have time to prepare the adults in your life, I’m going to be really direct: we need to be on our kids’ side whenever they express a preference regarding their bodies, without hesitation or equivocation. We should not make deals with our kids to do anything with their bodies because someone’s feelings will get hurt (if you give grandma a hug, you can have an extra cookie!). Honestly, this is something I wish I had considered sooner – but as I like to remind everyone, there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

Understanding consent and body sovereignty starts with backing children when they don’t want to hug Uncle Joe or Grandma Jane. Whether you have a boy or a girl, defending your child’s preference is showing that before physical contact occurs, both people have to offer an enthusiastic yes. It demonstrates that each of us has total control over our own bodies, and that our autonomy should be respected by everyone we encounter.  

Additionally, backing our children affirms that we will show up for them even when it makes things hard with another adult. This builds valuable trust with our children, the kind that will lead to them actually sharing hard things with us when they inevitably happen.

It’s really the adults in your life that need some prepping around this. I suggest the following script that you can modify so it sounds like you:

“We are all really looking forward to seeing you at Thanksgiving/Chanukah/Christmas. I know you love nothing more than a hug and a kiss from Janey – I feel the same way! But sometimes he/she/they just isn’t in the mood.

“I want to start teaching our kids about consent early. I know, I know, I can hear you rolling your eyes. I know that our kids don’t need to be protected from you. I know you love and cherish them and would never do anything to hurt them. The best way to show them you love and cherish them is to respect their boundaries, and help them to understand, through your actions, that they are in charge of their bodies and what happens to them.”

“One more thing: Please respect their wishes without saying anything about it. Don’t tell them you’re going without something you want, because that might make them feel guilty. Just gauge their interest and follow their lead.”

“Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.”

Wow, that was hard. After you’ve had that conversation, reward yourself with an apple cider donut or a yoga class – whatever fills your cup.

Keep in mind that there are other ways for your child to express their love and excitement when they greet a family member. Maybe they can draw a welcome picture, or make a card. Or hand Grandma a “kiss” wrapped in foil. Truly, it’s going to be the child’s smile and authentic affection that brings joy to the day. It’s far more likely to emerge in an environment of total safety and respect.

Kerri Smith is a coach at The Well-Resourced Parent, a practice that helps parents navigate inevitable crises and deepen their relationships with their children. Learn more at thewellresourcedparent.com. Send your parenting questions to [email protected].