Ask the Parent Coach: Keeping your sanity through school vacation week

Question: How do I stay sane during the holiday season without wanting to throw away all my children’s presents by the end of the school break?

Answer: One of the most resonant lines in the holiday music cannon is from “It’s

Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas”: “And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again….” You know that if Bing was singing it in the 50s, it’s a common and enduring sentiment.

What IS a 21st century parent to do with our Xbox, candy-cane, and social media-fueled kids, who probably complained about all the family time at the expense of friend time, and had the nerve to ask us for $50 to buy a new sweater after opening hundreds of dollars’ worth of presents? Not to mention that we did all the cooking, cleaning, decorating, un-decorating, entertaining, baking, and generally taking care of every last person but ourselves.

Even when our holiday activities are full of delight and the spirit of generosity, we are still operating at a fever pitch, and our nervous systems can’t tell the difference between intense excitement and intense stress. When we are in the grip of powerful emotions long enough, it becomes impossible to relax and get grounded. Instead we go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.

The goal is not to be calm all the time, because that’s impossible. Difficult situations will arise, and deep filial love and holiday joy are too precious not to feel to the fullest. The question is, how do we calm our nervous systems back to center instead of crashing or getting so revved up we spend all night tossing and turning and rehearsing all the things we wish we’d said to our own mother about why our daughter quit dance lessons?

The ability to settle our nervous systems is self-regulation, and when it comes to this crucial parenting (life!) skill, an ounce of prevention is worth 10 pounds of cure. So, I’m going to focus here on what we can do to give ourselves the best chance of making it through the next month without losing our minds.

It all comes down to self-care, a term that has unfortunately become as commodified as the holidays themselves: Get a massage, check into a hotel for a night, buy the new loafers—I mean, if we learned anything from Cinderella, it’s that a new pair of shoes can change everything, right?

Material things can only ease our psychic pain briefly, though, and might even result in added financial stress. What we need to get through the holidays and other periods of high intensity are what I like to call “background resources,” and the three biggies are food, sleep, and exercise.

So boring, I know.

But if we can prioritize all three, we will be in a much better position to self- regulate when the inevitable tantrums, begging, and door slamming threaten to ruin our day.

I encourage each of us to give ourselves the gift of one uninterrupted hour at the start of each week to look at the landmine that is our Monday-Sunday calendar, and ask ourselves: How can I make each day easier for myself? What can I cancel or postpone to ensure I’m getting the rest and exercise I need? (Trust me, the person on the receiving end will be just as relieved as you to be changing plans.)

Are there corners I can cut or funds I can allocate to ensure my family is getting the nutrition it needs to counter-balance the cookies and candy? (Precut veggies, smoothie ingredients,

rotisserie chickens all come to mind.) Can I combine certain activities for maximum efficiency? (I love a brisk walk to catch up with a friend instead of a heavy lunch.) What are my best wind-down activities to ensure I fall asleep and stay asleep? (A relaxing novel is the same price as a bottle of wine, it lasts longer, and it won’t give you a headache.)

Write down your solutions and keep them handy so you can consult them when the going gets tough.

Write this down, too: There is no such thing as a perfect parent. If there’s ever a time to make this your mantra, it’s the holidays. Bonus: once we are better regulated, it’s easier for us to have compassion for the people who are driving us up the wall. After all, they’re dysregulated, and that’s why they’re behaving as they are. Maybe all your kids need to get out of their funk is an apple with peanut butter followed by a bike ride around the neighborhood with friends. What works for you will work for them, too.

Good luck, and happiest of holidays.