Ask the Parent Coach: How to say no to young love on Valentines Day

Question: My son is 12 years old and in 6th grade. He has a girlfriend and would like to take her out alone on Valentine’s Day. So far they have only spent supervised time together at our house and her house, or out bowling or similar with one of our families. What do you think?

Answer: Young love is so cute; it’s full of teddy bears and candy and winning imitation Squishmallows at fun fairs. Adorable. It can also be a pleasure to see our children maturing in this way, especially if what we see is our son/daughter treating the boy/girlfriend with the respect we’ve raised them to have.

And, I have a feeling the fact that you are asking this question means your gut is telling you no to this date.

We know a yes (for anything) in our bodies: it feels joyful and freely given. It does not require input from others. If I’m wrong, and your heart is giving you an enthusiastic yes to the date, then by all means help your son set it up. But if your heart is saying anything other than YES!, read on.

I’m sure your son is pressuring you to say yes, and you don’t want to disappoint him. Maybe you also like the girl and don’t want to disappoint her, either. Maybe they are sweet and safe together. Maybe you want to reward them for good behavior so far with a 1:1 solo date.

And despite all of that (which is a best-case scenario), your gut is still saying no.

Always, always listen to your gut.

Because even if your son and his girlfriend are mature beyond their years and able to comport themselves with utmost care, something is telling you to put on the brakes. It might be the fear of letting things get too serious too fast. It might be the sense you have that your son needs to spend more time with his guy friends. It might be that you know the age of consent in Massachusetts is 16, and you don’t want him getting into any hot water before then, and that’s four years away.

No matter what your reason for saying no, your son will say you are too strict, and you may even feel that he is right. Those are some of the worst parenting situations, when you honestly feel your kid has a good point, but you need to do what you feel is right anyway.

How do you break this news to your son? I recommend doing it at a time and place where you are relaxed and don’t need to be anywhere right away. Then, lead with the positive, explaining how impressed you have been with this relationship, and how well your son is doing in one or two other areas of life. Then explain why you are saying no. Offer an alternative Valentine’s plan. Be brief! Practice, and try to get this speech to under two minutes.

When he protests, restate one compliment, your no, and your offer to collaborate on an alternative plan. Be a broken record; keep repeating those three elements. If he pushes too much, you can say that you understand he’s upset and it’s even okay if he is mad at you, but you won’t be talking about this more until he is ready to talk about alternative (supervised) plans.

As you are withstanding your son’s understandable moods, here are some things to keep in mind. What’s true for teachers is also true for parents: better to be strict in the beginning and slowly loosen up over time, than to start out permissive and have to reign it all in later. Many of us learn that lesson the hard way. To parents of children who have older siblings who got to do things young, keep in mind that early permissiveness with older siblings does not mean you have to parent younger ones the same way. When the inevitable push-back comes in the form of, “but you let me do this last year” or, “you let Johnny date in sixth grade,” there is strength in admitting you were wrong in the past, or that the circumstances are different now. The more we can model self-reflection and the judicious mind-changing, the better.

Good luck! And keep in mind the most important love on Valentines Day is the love you have for your son — and the love he has for you, even when he’s fuming mad.